Perpetually Overwhelmed

Recent weeks have both confirmed my decision to return to teaching and to dive deep while doing so and caused me to question how much I can maintain without collapsing under the pressure. Unlike my first teaching go around, I do not feel like I am drowning with now way to breathe. At the same time, though, my evenings fill with tasks to complete for the day and prepare for the next. As I said in my recent post on procrastination, something needs to change.

Since I returned to teaching the pendulum of time consummation has swung to and fro from its current extreme so that periodically I glimpse daylight and have opportunities to indulge in things I enjoy like reading. Unlike when I taught before, I managed to read more than 150 books last calendar year. (I am quite aware of how unnatural and extreme that is for most people.) With my renewed commitment to depth not breadth, I fear that the pendulum may have gotten stuck in its current position.

No longer am I satisfied with accomplishing the bare minimum, doing enough to satisfy the requirements so that I can manage to also maintain some semblance of a life. I once thought that this was the most I could do, was the wise thing to do, the only thing I could do to avoid the burnout that plagues so many teachers. Again, I believe that something needs to change.

The problem with how I used to approach teaching, and every other job I have held, comes with where I placed my priorities. My priorities started and ended with myself. What could I do to maintain a lifestyle that I enjoyed? What do I have to do to make sure that I can earn a paycheck big enough to pay my bills and save money for the travel I so enjoy. Any one of these things, in and of themselves, are not evil. I transform them with my desires and misguided priorities.

Recently, God has done a major work in my heart and continues that work every day. He has made and continues to make His glory my first priority. He has opened my eyes to see the mission field, the immense treasure, He has placed me in by placing me at Lakeview. I want Him to be glorified in everything I do. He has placed an immense burden on my heart for these beautiful children I have the privilege of teaching each day. I want them to know Him as I know Him. Even though I cannot explicitly witness, I can demonstrate God’s love and compassion my making them and their education my priority.

This means that I take time to scrutinize data and plan lessons. I scrutinize data from every source I can get my hands on to identify their weaknesses and strengths. I compare this data to in depth study of preparatory materials so that I can arm them for both arbitrary and lasting success. While I do not put much stock into these ridiculous tests, I know that helping them achieve this success will help them start to believe that someone cares for them, that they matter, that they can be successful. This means that I take time each afternoon and evening to prepare myself to best deliver the lesson so as to reach as many of my students as I can. That means that I dedicate time after normal school hours to things that will help reach even more of the students and things that will help my colleagues. I cannot reach every student on my own but if I do everything I can to help my fellow teachers, that will benefit their students as well.

For those reasons I have added a good number of things to my calendar. I participated in an informal committee designed to attempt to find solutions for issues that many at our school face. I even added the additional task of attempting to remedy the problems with the bell schedule. I participate in a once weekly after school program targeting our ELL population. I had a graduate class in which I hoped to glean more tools with which to better serve our ELL population. I work with a homebound student with whom I have established an unexpected connection. I have Model UN sessions which I absolutely love. (These will end just before Spring Break.) Each one of these things I have chosen voluntarily and each serves a constructive purpose. However, something needs to go. I cannot sustain this level of commitment.

That led me to a decision I never thought I would make. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I knew that would be the right decision. I tried to bargain with myself but my own arguments fell flat. I dropped my grad class. It may be free courtesy of the district. It may be credits earned from a reputable local institution, Furman. It may provide needed tools to help me reach more of my students. However, I simply cannot justify the extra work brought on by this class, especially after acknowledging that I need to stop making pragmatic decisions and start making the decisions that will lead me eventually to teaching history. I also stepped back from the additional ad hoc committees.

Going forward, I will try to find other ways to streamline my schedule so that I can best sustain the most optimal commitment level. I will also avail myself of any help I can find. Most importantly, I will continue to pray and rely on God for His wisdom, strength, and guidance.