During a recent casual conversation with some colleagues we talked about the uncertainty faced after high school or college graduation. To be exact, I listened as they expressed feeling completely lost even as they walkeda cross the stage to get their diploma, thinking, “now what?” Everything up until that point had been decided for them or at least organized well enough to make decisions simple. I stayed silent during this conversation, an observer, since my experience held no similarity to theirs. After high school, only the venue for my education changed, temporarily. Fall brought the beginning of a new school year just as it had done for the past thirteen years. After college, I worked for a year to save money for my Masters of Arts in Teaching, the plan I created when I changed my major to history, the spring semester of my sophomore year. From there, I knew where I would go. I could continue to recount the journey but I have described that journey before. The point, however, is that I have always had a plan, or goal, for where my life was heading. Right now? Not so much.
I originally started this entry back in November when Mom first sold the house and we undertook the moving process. I did not have a chance to finish the entry at that time which turned out to be for the better. This entry has had time to marinate so that I can fully express what has been on my mind. Moving jump started this contemplation, made me consider what I planned to do going forward.
I realized, most importantly, that for the past few years, I have had no long term goals. I got back into teaching at first because I needed an income. (The passion I have for what I do returned later, as I started teaching again.) I have no long term plan or goal for where I see my teaching career going although I am beginning to figure that out. On a different front, I once put an offer down on a house thinking that’s what I needed to feel like an adult. At the time, I still lived in the same house as I did in high school, in the same room even. Home ownership did not form a part of a life plan, simply because I did not have a life plan at that time. God, thankfully, showed me that I did not need that house and should not purchase it. I now live in the same house where my parents brought me home from the hospital. Then, on a third front, when I make financial goals, they tend towards the short term, like my international trips every other year or so, not long term like saving up for a home.
When I moved into my current home, I felt sure that this move was temporary. I do not plan to live here long term. At the same time, I have no idea how long this stage in my life will last. I have no overwhelming urge to save up for the down payment on a home or even live on my own, at least not yet. When Mom sold the house, she did so as the next step in a process towards she and Ellis building a home of their own, moving out of the lower level apartment in our current house. I thought, perhaps, that I would move down there after they complete their house, but with as many books as I own, and the uncertainty of where I plan to settle long term, I’m not sure if I will actually do that.
As far as teaching is concerned, I fundamentally desire to always improve as a teacher. However, if you asked me where I saw myself in five years, workwise, the details grow fuzzy. The one fact I know for sure is that I greatly desire to teach social studies in some capacity whether that be middle or high school. I e even know in what school I will teach next year. As I have mentioned before, the politics, the inept leadership, of my current school, drain the passion from even the most passionate teacher. I love thse kids, as I have described before, but unfortunately, I have reached the point where ethically, I cannot continue to work in such a toxic environment. If things change significantly for the better, I would happily stay. Thus, back in December, I submitted my letter of intent, indicating my plans to seek a transfer. I plan to apply for both high school and middle school social studies positions and have already submitted the first few.
I also consider the third post-graduate degree I embarked upon last fall, a degree which will prepare me to become a school administrator. Although I still have a still nebulous concept of using this degree as a stepping stone to a doctorate in curriculum and instruction so that I can become equipped to best help the ELLs (English Language Learners) I love, I have begun to contemplate what it would be like to actually work as a building level administrator, especially after several people like Ellis and the new sixth grade administrator at my school have told me that I would do great in such a position.
On top of the uncertainty concerning lodging and vocation, the perennial waiting for marriage and children persists, a time of waiting which may have no end. That’s the one part of my first post-college life plan that has come nowhere near to fruition. I have come to peace with my current relationship status; God has helped with that. The longing still, however, still resides in my heart. God has not deigned to take it away for a reason He has not chosen to reveal.
The above described circumstances combine with the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be to create this almost impossible sense of limbo that I have expended so many words on an attempt to understand what this limbo means and what I should do to get out of it. I come to the end of this entry with the realization that I do not have an answer and may not ever have an answer. Instead, I feel God calling me to rely on Him even more. I cannot number and order my days any more than I can imbue certain of my students with a desire to learn. I do not know what even this calendar year holds in store. For the planner in me, that’s terrifying. At the same time, I know that this limbo will force me to rely on Him even more and I welcome that with open arms.